“Instant Bonding” is the title of an article by Dr. Kevin Hogan, which describes the technique of gaining near-instant rapport. It is well worth reading, and in fact, I’m going to dissect it here because I believe I can give you some additional pointers on how to do it more effectively. His article is great, but sometimes you need a different perspective on things, in order for the important points to take hold in your brain. In a sense, Dr. Kevin Hogan gives a big-picture perspective on rapport building. What I want to do is to dig down to the “small picture” and lay out the step-by-step sequence for creating instant bonding.
First, lets start with the foundational material. Dr. Kevin Hogan gets to this first key-point after a brief introduction as to why building rapport is so important (which is so you can influence the other person to buy your product ). So what is that first point?
Dr. Hogan’s Key Point: People seek out points of view and information that they believe to be true.
I agree completely. We all believe things, and we want our beliefs to be confirmed.
But here is where I take it a step deeper. “Beliefs are based on our VALUES.“
For example, I value “integrity” very high. And from that, I have a belief that integrity leads to success.
Do you see the progression there? The value that one holds dear, will lead to a belief.
This sequence is important. So reread that if you didn’t get it. “Beliefs are based on our values.”
With that in mind, Dr. Hogan’s key point, that people seek out people and information that confirms their beliefs can be rewritten.
Key Point #1 (re-written): People seek out information and others that confirm their VALUES.
If someone doesn’t agree with a value that I hold dear, that “integrity leads to success,” I probably will not seek them out to hear what other opinions they might have.
Do you follow this so far?
Sharing similar “values” are more important to gaining rapport that sharing “beliefs.”
For example, I’m a Protestant, which means my “beliefs” are different from Roman Catholics. But we share similar “values,” like the respect for the life of the unborn. Because of this, I have many dear friends that are Roman Catholic, and we have very good rapport. I can feel comfortable around them because of these shared values. I can even feel rapport with atheists that share the same values with me, even though our beliefs are radically different.
Bonding with Strangers
In Dr. Kevin Hogan’s article, this section called “bonding with strangers” gets to the heart of generating instant rapport.
He states: “Gossip that causes a revelation of a shared negative attitude, generates a friendship (bond).”
In generic terms, he says that gossip – that exposes a commonly shared attitude, is what creates the super-glue rapport.
I agree completely. But I want to break this down further and show why it works.
For starters, what is gossip?
Gossip is an unconfirmed report about another person. It may or may not be true. But it is always used in a way to lower the status of another person.
But at its heart, gossip is a way of talking about some else’s values – to show that they are not like your own. In this sense, it is a “comparison of values.” Dr. Hogan calls it a “shared negative attitude”, where I call it a shared value.
In other words, “Person X, over there, does not share the same values that I do.”
This is why gossip works so well in generating instant rapport. When we share similar values, we generate a bond. What we do when gossiping is to expose our values to someone else. IF the other person has similar values, then they will feel a rapport with us.
Note that it is a big “IF.”
Because “if” the person you’re sharing your gossip (values) with does not have similar values, then you will NOT develop rapport.
For example, say Bill walks up to me and says: “Do you see John over there? He’s such a goody-two-shoes. He wouldn’t let Larry cut in line at the movie theater.” This is a gossip statement, because I can’t confirm that John didn’t let Larry cut in line at the movie theater.
But what the statement does is to expose one of Bill’s values to me. Bill, in my opinion, lacks integrity (my value, remember?); because he believes that line-cutting is acceptable. So even though it is negative news about John, I don’t feel any rapport with Bill for telling me it. Because I sense that he does not share my value of integrity.
In order for Bill and I to generate instant rapport, we must share the same “values”. At that point, then we can develop bonding or rapport.
So, for example, how would this situation be turned around where rapport was generated between Bill and I?
Lets say that Bill says: “Larry is such a dweeb. John said that he tried to cut in front of the line at the movie theater.”
In this case, we have gossip about Larry. I still can’t confirm it. But in this case, Bill is sharing his value about integrity with me. He is saying that he values integrity, and that to him, line cutting it not permissible. Now, since his value of integrity is the same as mine, I like Bill more than I did before. We now have instant rapport!
In the section of the article called “political ‘gossip’”, Dr. Kevin Hogan puts forth the argument that for optimum effect in generating quick-rapport, the negative gossip must be directed at a person. This is contrasted against gossiping or criticizing a political policy, such as ObamaCare.
Again, I agree with this. And for two reasons.
First, remember that gossiping is a comparison of values. A non-living thing, such as ObamaCare, cannot have values. Inanimate objects don’t hold opinions, right? You can complain all you want about ObamaCare, and it doesn’t change it at all.
And second, when you take a stance against a person, the person can fight back. That, as Dr. Hogan points out, makes it “riskier.”
Key Point: The higher the risk a person takes by exposing their value, the quicker the rapport they’ll develop with the person they are sharing it with (if they share the same value).
For example, remember Larry? He was the line-cutter at the movie theater… So imagine that Bill, Larry and I were all in the same room. What kind of risk is Bill taking if he leans over to me and whispers in my ear: “Larry is such a dweeb. John said that he tried to cut in front of the line at the movie theater”?
Right, it is a much higher risk for Bill, because Larry might overhear him saying it. Bill is putting himself out there on a ledge, risking a lot to tell me his values. Larry is not going to get mad at Bill – should he overhear what Bill has spoken.
There is a heightened emotional attachment to the “value-exposure” (gossip) at this point. There is a little anxiety as to what might happen next. This is important to building rapport too.
Dr. Hogan hints about this in his article. As part of the rapport building process, there needs to be a level of increased emotional state in the mind of the recipient.
In other words, the act of sharing one of your values gets you one level of rapport, but sharing with them in a way that increases their emotional state (getting their heart to pound faster) is exceedingly more powerful and gets to a deeper level of rapport, and quicker too.
We just listed that an increased risk of retaliation or retribution is one example that creates an emotional rise in someone. But actually — this feeling in the recipient — is the emotion of “fear.” They are now in a fearful state that they might get caught.
Rapport is not generated yet. We’re still in the building process at this point.
Here is what happens next: when they don’t get caught by Larry (the person the gossip was about), their fear emotion is mitigated and their heart returns to a normal beating pattern.
I think it is this “conclusion,” whereby the emotion is calmed and the heart returns to a slower beating pattern is where the rapport is generated.
I say this, because just how much rapport would you have in this next situation?
Imagine again that you, Bill, and Larry were in the same room. Bill leans over to you, and says in a loud voice: “Larry is such a dweeb. John said that he tried to cut in front of the line at the movie theater.”
Obviously, Larry was meant to hear the gossip. And even though you didn’t say anything, Larry is now angry toward you too. Again, the fear emotion is turned on. And now it is very real, because Larry is directing his attention at both you and Bill. In effect, Bill put you at risk.
Now what do you think of Bill?
Feel any rapport toward him? Hardly.
You are probably looking at Bill while thinking, “Why don’t you keep your big mouth shut.”
To recap: Bill shared gossip, which was his values-comparison. He did it in a way that raised the emotional level in you. But because of the context, he didn’t create a situation that would allow you to calm back down to a normal level. So you have no rapport with him. He left you out there hanging in the wind.
Dr. Hogan’s article hints at this key point in the section called “Discovery is Key and Stealth is Necessary.” However, he doesn’t talk about it, except in the title of the section. But “stealth” is necessary. Or to be exact, a “safe” situation is necessary.
Stealth is the equivalent to “safety.” Think of the Stealth Fighter used by the Air Force. This jet allows them to perform some incredibly risky missions, but where the odds of coming back alive are good. In essence, stealth increases safety.
Applying this to the gossip situation, you want to raise the recipient’s emotional state a bit, but still keep them feeling safe (they feel that they can safely calm down to a normal level). In other words, they need to feel that their own values are not exposed to other outsiders.
So here is how you can state this next key point:
- Rapport is built when you are seen as being safe after you have entered a heightened emotional state.
Hypnotists Do This All The Time
If you think about this, getting rapport is something that hypnotists do all the time. They use a variety of techniques (like mirroring your breathing, speech and posture patterns), but the aim is to make you feel calm and to bring down your emotionally elevated state. Right?
They specifically want you to calm down and relax. The quicker they can get you to do that, the quicker they get to the point where they can get you into a trance. And as you might deduce, it takes a lot of rapport with the person undergoing the hypnosis to allow themselves to be in such a vulnerable position.
So instant rapport through gossip (or values exposure) must raise the emotional intensity in the recipient, and then finally calm them down, or to be seen as being a safe person.
Familiarity is a Magnet
The final section of Dr. Hogan’s article is called “Familiarity is a Magnet.” The point he makes here is that we like to be around people that are similar to us. In other words, we feel comfortable looking into a mirror – because we know all about the person looking back at us. We know their good points, and we know where their skeletons are buried. We have rapport with the person that looks back at us from the mirror.
So the closer your values are to the people you meet, and if you feel safe exposing those values to them, then the quicker the rapport you’ll make.
Instant Bonding – Step by Step
Let me sum this up for you. Here is the bedrock concept: People seek out information and others that confirm their VALUES. In essence, everyone is looking for a mirror-image of themselves. They want people around them that make them feel comfortable, and at ease. They want others around them who are not going to be judge them harshly for having those values.
- Tim’s Key Point #1: We feel rapport with people that have similar values to ourselves. The more similarity, the greater the rapport.
- Tim’s Key Point #2: Values differ from person to person.
At least that is the way it appears. In actuality, and we’ll get to this later, but you share similar values with a LOT of people. You just don’t know which people.
- Tim’s Key Point #3: People consider others that don’t share their values to be a “threat.”
- Tim’s Key Point #4: People don’t want to expose their values openly. They hide them for fear of ridicule or because they fear something worse.
- Tim’s Key Point #5: You can generate rapport by making yourself appear similar to the person your communicating with. This is where the NLP techniques of mirroring come in.
- Tim’s Key Point #6: Rapport is also developed when you expose your deeply-held values to the recipient. Assuming, of course, they have similar values to yourself.
- Tim’s Key Point #7: Gossip is one form of values-exposure. It works in a rapport-building situation, because it also includes an element of risk for the person speaking the gossip. In other words, there is an emotional rise in the recipient of the gossip.
- Tim’s Key Point #8: Gossip must be about a person, because it needs to include an element of risk associated with being discovered. In other words, it must have an emotional component to it, such as the fear of risk of being discovered
- Tim’s Key Point #9: The greater the emotional intensity created by the situation, the higher the level of bonding. For example, when the risk of exposure is great, the higher the level of rapport.
- Tim’s Key Point #10: Another element necessary in the gossip technique is the feeling of safety of the recipient. They must feel that their values aren’t going to be exposed to a third party that might be considered a threat.
- Tim’s Key Point #11: There is a LAW of SEQUENCE here. Since the other person is hiding their values, it is up to you to expose your values first. If they hold similar values, and if they trust you, then — and only then — will they confirm that they hold the same value.
I don’t want to sound like I condone gossiping. In fact, I hate it (that’s one of my values). But in case you didn’t know, there are risks associated with gossiping. The big one is sharing your values to someone that doesn’t hold that value to a great level like you. Can you see that disaster waiting to happen? I’ll give you an extreme example, just to make sure you see why being a gossip can be bad.
Say you didn’t like people from the planet Mars. And you go up to a prospect and say something like: “You know, that Robert guy is a half-breed. It is rumored that his mother comes from Mars.” Now it just so happens that your prospect is a half-breed Martian himself…
You’ve just lost the sale, even though you were trying to develop rapport using the gossip technique. You might as well go home now.
Being a gossip can catch up to you, and you’ll end up with more negative publicity about yourself than you can adequately deflect. It is not worth it.
Can you Build Instant Rapport Without Gossiping?
There is a lot of useful information here, and in Dr. Hogan’s article. If you grasp my key points, you may begin to realize that there are other ways to quickly generate rapport without having to resort to gossiping about someone else. Do you see that?
It starts with knowing your prospects values.
Key Point (worth $1,000,000): We Already Know Their Values!
The assumption, up until this point, is that you don’t know your prospect’s values. That’s why you may be tempted to try the gossip technique, which is a way of exposing your values in a non-threatening way to find common values that you both share.
But what if you do know their deeply held and secret values already? Not the ones about which sports team they prefer. But the ones that they are hiding from you. What would you do then?
And there is more…
What if you knew a way to raise their emotional state, and then to relieve the tension that was created? What if you were the one that was seen as safe?
Isn’t this the formula of creating instant bonding and rapport?
Is that an interesting concept you’d like to know more about?
If so, then the Personality Marketing Manual is your next step to getting to deep rapport quickly and without risk to you or your prospect.
In the Personality Marketing Manual, I will show you how to read the values of your prospect within 20 seconds of seeing them. Once you know that, you can then set up a situation where you can share your similar values with the prospect. And I’ll show you how to raise their emotional level and then relieve the tension in a way that makes them feel safe. Once you do that, you’ll have instant bonding and rapport with them.
Finally, once rapport is established, you’ll find out how easy it really is to close the sale.
Here’s the Best News
The techniques shown in the Personality Marketing Manual apply to web site sales too! You know, those situations where you never see or meet the prospect. You’ll be able to generate rapport because you’re setting up the situation where you’re exposing your values only to people that share them with you. It will explode you’re web site sales like nothing else you’ve ever tried before.
Interested yet? Then check it out now. Click here to learn more.